In this part of our blog, we announced that we were going to address two of the five stages of the grieving process: denial and anger. In colorful language, we could sum up the denial in these terms: I can’t believe he died . The anger would rather be: Dying! So let’s see, why is he doing this to me? !!!
Even if sometimes you expect it, often the loss of a loved one is emotionally disturbing. It is a violent shock between the reality of having the presence of the deceased person at our side and the reality of a future life without this presence in our life, and this, forever.
This is why the first step in mourning is denial. It’s as if our consciousness doesn’t understand reality and momentarily plunges into a false reality. In our work as funeral director, we often see this state of affairs through certain interactions between funeral carriers and family members who are present when the deceased is cared for. Indeed, these are sentences like: Be careful not to hurt my father … or: Do not tighten the ties too tightly around him, he does not like it … as well as several other sentences said to the employee of the funeral home or even directly to the deceased as if he were still alive.
Of course, none of this is bad in itself. It’s just a demonstration of the survivor’s state of mind and that’s perfectly normal. For some, this step can be long, but it is usually the quickest step.
Next comes anger. A painful stage for both the person who lives it and those around them. Let’s take the example of taking care of the deceased in the presence of the family. If the carriers arrive on the scene at this stage, the family will tend to criticize the work of the employees, the waiting period (often caused by the unavailability of the doctor who must sign the medical declaration of death), l aggressive interaction between the person at this stage and their family. Remember, the death of a loved one generates a wide range of emotions.
Both the employees of the funeral home and those close to the person who is at this stage of mourning, all must be patient and understanding. It is advisable not to take anger reactions as directed towards you, but rather as a normal reaction to the situation. Be lenient, it will pass.
We are convinced that by reading our blog people who have experienced this situation will recognize themselves. For others, when that happens, remember: it is normal and healthy to go through each stage of mourning.
In the next publication, we will discuss two other stages: guilt and depression.
When it comes to taking care of a loved one’s funeral arrangements, there are a number of decisions you need to make quickly in a difficult environment.
In their lifetime, the average person will rarely conclude more than two or three funeral contracts. This is why we present you the different contracts, their uses, and especially how to decode them. In any pre-arrangement or funeral contract, there must be two very distinct things: the price of the services and the price of the goods purchased.
First, there are the prearrangement contracts. These contracts are generally concluded with the person for whom the contract is intended at the time of his death. Without going deep into the mechanics of this type of contract, let’s say that it allows you to express your wishes and pay in advance for the services that will be delivered at the time of your death. The contract must be drawn up within the parameters stipulated in the Consumer Protection Law, and 90% of the sums paid must be placed in trust to generate interest. This will allow the funeral home to convert the contract into funeral arrangements upon death with the present value of the amounts paid at the signing of the pre-arrangement. It is important to know that a pre-arrangement paid in installments must still be deposited at 90% in the trust account within 45 days of signing it, even if you have not paid in full. This is tantamount to saying that the funeral home will have to finance you until the contract is paid in full. When choosing your funeral home, ask your manager if that’s the way he does it. You might be surprised!
Second, there is the burial contract. This contract is really geared towards the final disposal of a body or cremation remains (the ashes). This contract will mainly be for the purchase of lots, crypt or columbarium niche. It will include the location number, its price and how long it will be used. It may also include conditions of use, maintenance costs, and what is allowed to do for the customization of the location. Normally, when the contract is paid, it is deemed to be paid and delivered. This means that even if there is no one on the site, it belongs to the person who bought it.
Third, the last but not the least, because it is the one that you will have to conclude on the death of a loved one, I named: the funeral contract. So many funeral homes, so many contracts! But how do you get there?
At first glance, if a contract does not have two distinct groups (services and goods) you will have great difficulty finding your way around. If the contract presents you with a global price and the director tells you that such good or service is included, make sure that this item is free or included. Some funeral homes may present irregular prices from one client to another, just to attract clients or increase profits on inexpensive items. However, it is possible that a funeral director may put items at $ 0. It will be his choice and at least you will see the item separately. Therefore demand that the price of each item listed in the contract be detailed so that you can properly analyze what is offered to you according to your needs, but also your means.
Some funeral homes, such as ours, offer funding to help families meet wills and finances. Often, the urgency to pay and the unforeseen context of death undermine the preference of the contract manager. Cutting the price just because it was not the right time for such an expense is often a bad choice. The person responsible for the arrangements is also a creditor in the eyes of the Law. Therefore, the funeral costs will ultimately have to be paid by the estate. A few monthly payments that will be reimbursed by the estate are often better than a regret for not having done what seemed to you better than your financial choice. Whichever option you choose, it will be important to read your contract carefully and ask your funeral director to avoid the inconvenience of a contract that does not reflect what you want.
For approximately 25 years, we have seen that the number of people opting for cremation has been increasing. To simplify the figures, let’s say that about 25% to 80% of Quebecers have made this choice as a method of disposition at death.
Small lexicon of funeral terminology
Burial is the act of carrying a person to the ground in their entirety. It is the final arrangement which has dominated the Christian world for more than 1,000 years. It was also that of most ancient civilizations, because for the majority, they believed that the body of the deceased revived otherwise in the afterlife. Judaic, Christian and Muslim beliefs are based on the resurrection of the body. According to these beliefs, other modes of disposal should therefore not be used. Today, the fundamentalists of these religions remain on this position. On the other hand, the Christian Church has changed its firm position to one which is more open, thus leaving room for cremation as the personal choice of the deceased.
Burial is the most environmentally friendly way to dispose of a person. However, for it to be ecological, the deceased must not be embalmed with chemicals and must be buried with the least amount of material made by humans (urn, coffin.) Nowadays, the laws of health public do not allow a deceased to be buried in such a way. Indeed, the bodies must be put in containers.
Cremation, on the other hand, is a practice that has been mainly used in Asia for the disposal of bodies. Cremation consists in burning the body of the deceased until only the bones remain which will then be crushed and reduced to powder.
If your choice is based on ecological principles and you opt for cremation, know that the pollution will not be in the ground, but in the air. The choice to burn or bury a deceased person is neither good nor bad. However, this choice belongs to everyone, for themselves.
Before making your choice for the disposal of your body, assess whether there will be room for your body in a cemetery, if it is your choice, or consider the costs of acquiring a lot in the event that you should buy it. Cremation may seem economical if the ashes are kept at home, but laws are being prepared for there to be an official final destination for the ashes of a deceased. Ultimately, it may no longer be possible to choose to keep the ashes at home. Placing the ashes in a cemetery or columbarium can also influence the final price, but again, there may be a purchase to be made.
To conclude, one or the other would be a good choice, as long as you live well with it …
Finally! I approach our first subject which is: ‘’ Taming death according to its origin or family context; history and explanation of the various funeral rites in the world. ’’
Historically, mankind has always viewed death as the end of part of life. Of course, we are talking about the physical part of a person. However, man has always been able to resign himself to believe that death was the end of everything.
Already in prehistoric times, the first societies organized in clans, tried to tame the loss of one of their member, by organizing rituals which could sometimes be very simple, but also much more elaborate. Consider, for example, Stonehenge in the United Kingdom, the pyramids in Egypt, in which the pharaoh was placed at his death, with a multitude of precious objects to bring to the afterlife. Let us also think of the Chinese emperor who assembled a terracotta army to protect him after his death, and even the Taj Mahal in India. Vikings, on the other hand, placed the bodies in a boat, or used a drakkar which they threw on the water, igniting them to let the soul of the deceased join the gods in Walhalla. The Greeks and the Romans, for their part, used to place coins on the eyes of the disappeared to pay the ferryman from the kingdom of the dead. All these places or its grandiose rites, are proof that our societies, no matter where in the world by evolving and organizing, have never put aside the importance of the rite of passage that is the organization of funeral ceremonies.
Over time, we have added the religious, standardized practices, added a little of this or that, depending on our origins. In the end, one and the same motivation remained; tame the loss of a loved one, and hope to see them again in an unknown world.
With the rise of the concept of a Single God, our societies have for the most part organized funeral rites based on their beliefs that one is reaching his home. Whether it be Jews, Christians or Muslims, the basis and the foundation is similar, but according to religion, the practice differs. The Jews will mourn their disappeared a little longer their deceased than in other religions, and the widow will mourn in a well codified manner. Likewise, the body will be carefully watched before burying it. For Christians, there will be several variations, depending on whether one is Catholic, Orthodox or Protestant. Until recently in the history of Christianity, cremation was the equivalent of sending the deceased to hell. For about a hundred years this belief has greatly diminished, and today, cremation is the method in the majority growth in our modern Christian society. For Muslims, mourning does not have to be with a long presence of the body. So, for them, as far as possible, the deceased will be buried before sunset. Beforehand, the body will be washed by the family and then placed precisely in a shroud, to be brought to the mosque, for the prayers of blessings. As these religions believe in the resurrection of bodies at the end of time, the rites are surrounded by hope for a second life which would be eternal.
Religions from India or Asian countries are more likely to believe in the reincarnation of the soul. Of course, this will influence the importance of the body of the missing. In India the bodies are burned, which frees the souls, which can be reborn in new bodies.
In our modern societies, beliefs and religions mix. Funeral practices therefore follow this mix and that is why today, funerals will be much more based on memories and celebration of the life of the deceased. There are certainly still many families who want to respect their original beliefs and practices, but an openness to other beliefs comes to taint their ways of doing things.
Death is therefore still the mystery to be unraveled, but funeral rites are perhaps just like certain drugs, a temporary painkiller, while waiting to cure the pain caused by it …
I hope that this information can perhaps help you in your reflections when the time comes to organize a funeral. Sometimes, understanding and knowing where we come from allows us to understand where we are going!
If you have any questions, comments or additions on this subject, please do not hesitate to write to us.
See you soon!
It is with joy that I accept the offer of Mr. Martin Bolduc, Funeral Director, to speak to you periodically on subjects relating to inheritance law.
I have been a member of the Chambre des notaires du Québec since 1998 and have been specializing in inheritance law for almost ten years. I am associated, with my sister France Germain, with the notarial firm Germain & amp; Rivest, since 2010.
Our firm is a member of a group of notaries, called the Notarial Plus Network, within which I sit on the Estates Committee, which allows me to benefit from the important experience of ” other colleagues specialized in the matter and thus share our knowledge and our working methods in estate liquidation.
The settlement of inheritances is intimately linked to a legal procedure which must be respected, where the heirs and the liquidator – together with a professional, will take care not to imply their personal responsibility.
When a death occurs while relatives are affected by the loss of a loved one and bound by the consequences of mourning, the support of a professional lawyer to advise them before the various legal steps to be accomplished becomes judicious and necessary.
Furthermore, as a notary, I favor the path of mediation by drafting an agreement between the heirs, allowing them to avoid recourse to the courts and respect by that very fact for the soul of the deceased.
To do this, I will write on different subjects, such as the forms of wills according to the Civil Code of Quebec , the importance of drafting a notarial will, the consequences and implications of a succession without the presence of will, protection mandates versus the drafting of a general power of attorney and finally, the liquidation of the estate.
The development of these different topics will better demonstrate the legal implication that occurs in the event of death. The first subject will relate to the drafting of the notarial will.
Looking forward to meeting you.
Me Isabelle Rivest, Notaire
In the last publication, we talked about the past; how people approached death, and also what they clung to get through, often by entrusting religion with the task of giving hope that eases the pain of losing a loved one. However, nowadays, with the desacralization of rites, and the evacuation of religion from our lives, in addition to the advances in science which often stretch the life of the dying, death is an event which is no longer an end. , but a failure, and which is more macabre than the normal sequence of things. It is therefore very difficult, in this dynamic, to mourn and help a relative or friend to get through this ordeal.
There is no magic recipe. The grieving process takes time. It is important to be aware of how this slow healing process takes place. Grief in which the steps are not followed can have very negative effects on our health, both physical and mental. A stage is skipped, and now we have to take it again. For the youngest, we could say that it is like the board of a video game that one does not succeed and that one must start again.
Most of those who have gone through all the stages of mourning, say that this ordeal was one for them, the opportunity to rediscover themselves and rediscover a new vision of themselves to face their future differently.
There are generally 5 stages of complete bereavement. These steps are:
These rules apply as much to the loss of an animal, a good that has value in our eyes, in our health and we pass from it. Of course, we will approach this subject more from the angle of the loss of a loved one.
There is no set duration at each stage. Some can happen quickly and others seem to be endless, but in general, according to psychologists and those who study the subject, grief over the loss of a loved one takes around 2 years.
In the next publication, we will discuss the first 2 stages of grief. If you wish, you can send us live examples, related to these steps. We will be pleased to add these examples to our publication.
See you soon!
Hello to our new readers and welcome to this new blog which we will be sure of, educational, revealing, also a little provocative, but certainly a good thing for an industry in full change.
The subject of death; not always obvious! Many decide to avoid it at all costs, others prefer to ignore it, and some (like us funeral directors) talk about it all the time.
Talking about death in general is not that scary since it is an inevitable fact. We often hear those who talk about it to their loved ones, talk about it in terms of ‘’ if I happened to die, I would like you to… Or; I don’t want to cause you trouble, so if something happens to me … Or No one will cry on my grave, those who want to see me are before, not after. So if it happens to me … ’’ Unfortunately, it’s not so, but when! This is why this blog, throughout the year, will be for everyone interested in this one, very useful for understanding many things that are considered taboo in this society.
Throughout the next year, we will be tackling themes like:
As you can see, some of these topics will not leave anyone indifferent! We are really looking forward to sharing with you and my team throughout the year, so that together we can demystify this area, as inevitable as it is painful … DEATH and its industry.
If you have questions either on these topics, or just suggestions of topics you want to talk about, don’t hesitate to write to us. This blog wants to be educational, but also interactive, because for us, it is the readers who count.
See you soon!